There's always someone somewhere with a big nose who knows...

You may not frequent this blog as often as you used to. That makes two of us.

However, I'm still trying to decide whether shite like this is flattery or a downright fucking liberty.

Compare and contrast if you can be arsed. Best of luck with your (ahem) "one man" campaign, Jamie. FFS.

They were Icerink

1994 on Icerink

Okay, after the singles in 1992 and 1993, came Icerink's swansong; the We Are Icerink compilation. Five of the tracks had been released previously on the singles, but there were another seven completely unique to this release.

So for all you Icerink completists, here's everything else...

Various Artists | We Are Icerink [Davo LP001 CD]








Eat up, you're at your auntie's!

Heavily peppered fillet steaks

1993 on Icerink

For fans of this post and that post, here are all of Icerink's 1993 releases gathered together for the first time. The remaining tracks from 1994's "We Are Icerink" compilation coming soon...

Sensuround - When I Get To Heaven [Davo 5 12 and Davo 5 CD]







Shampoo - Blisters And Bruises [Davo 6]




Earl Brutus - Life's Too Long [Davo 7 12]




Oval - Fantastique | Love Hour [Davo 8 12] 





Golden - Wishful Thinking [Davo 9 12]





Shampoo - Bouffant Headbutt [Davo 10 12]




Merry flaming Christmas.

Unkempt on Monday, but kempt on Tuesday

1992 on Icerink

Been a while.

For those regular visitors who continue to land on this post from February 2009 after searching for Icerink Records, I have a wee treat for you. Uploaded to YouTube by me and collected together for the first time... ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first four Icerink releases from 1992.

Golden - Anglo American [Davo 1 12]




Sensuround - Blind Faith [Davo 2 12]





Oval - Photograph [Davo 3 CD]





Supermarket - Supermarket [Davo 4 12]





There you go. More to follow in time, so keep your eyes peeled.

Thick Jack Clot sits in the stocks and gets pelted with rancid tomatoes

Yes... so where was I?

Not many posts this year, I guess. But maybe quality is better than quant.... ah.... best not finish that sentence. Yep, it would seem that 2010 has been my busiest blogging year since 2005 and no mistake. Some of my silence has been intentional, but other bits of it, less so.

In mid August, I was all set for my traditional two week holiday and the only thing I'd decided I really wanted to do was get back out on my bike again. I've been a keen, long-distance cyclist for most of my adult life, but have almost always stuck to roads. And unlike most of the "cyclists" Five-Centres encounters, I have always obeyed the Highway Code, stopped at lights and junctions, and remained courteous to all road users and pedestrians alike. In spite of having never "met my maker", I am usually met with sharp intakes of breath whenever I discuss my cycling preference with friends or colleagues ("Yer takin' yer life in yer hands oan thae roads, pal").

Anyway, what better way to kick my holiday off - and stay safe - than a bit of a off road mountainbiking? Sunday 15 August 2010 is a day I'll never forget. In fact, it's a day I keep reliving when I close my eyes at night... It was the first day for weeks that it hadn't rained; the skies were clear and blue and the sun blazed. I was persuaded to join a few colleagues on a trip to the famed mountainbike trails of Glentress, Peebles.

I won't bore you with all the detail, but suffice to say after taking an hour-and-a-bit to cycle to the top (at a leisurely pace), I was flat on my face within the first two minutes on the way down. Quite how it went wrong I'll never know, but essentially there was a jump where I didn't know there was one. And it wasn't just a pissy wee thing either; the lead-up threw me in the air and because I didn't know there was a drop on the other side, I didn't have time to level the bike up for landing. I went over the handle bars at speed...

Broken nose... severely bruised ribs... torn rotator cuff (right shoulder)... broken left elbow... one week (including my birthday!) spent in hospital... an operation to pin my "shattered" elbow back together... and six weeks off work. How on Earth I've still got two front teeth, I'll never know. Thankfully my nose still looks the same, even if it feels totally different, the ribs are fine and my right shoulder is healing steadily and surely. My elbow is making very slow progress and will continue to do so. I can't bend my arm upwards, can't hold a fork to my mouth and can't scratch my head, but I am assured by the hospital consultants and physio that I will regain this movement through time. I really hope so.

It's not all doom and gloom. This is my third week back at work (albeit on reduced hours) and I'm now finding I can drive the car again (moving the gearstick was the problem - I didn't even have the strength to move into 1st gear before). And most of all, in my heart of hearts, I know things could very well have been far, far worse.

Oh yes... and I've got a right bastard of a scar. You should see it, it looks as hard as fuck.

What chance have they got against a tie and a crest?

Of course, everybody knows that tact and diplomacy are important qualities to possess for anyone wishing to enter the delicate world of international relations.

With that in mind, many of those currently following David "direct" Cameron's first prime ministerial trip to strengthen trade links in the Middle East, would be well within their rights to be somewhat taken aback by the rather frank nature of his comments. Not least in India where where he spoke of neighbouring Pakistan "promoting the export of terror" and being allowed to "look both ways" on the issue. Crikey!

So, none of the delicate, carefully chosen language of international diplomacy here. Many, including a number of Pakistani dignatories, have been angered and saddened by Cameron's tone of voice and his choice of words. And just as many seem to find his style a refreshing, if surprising, change.

I'm no Tory sympathiser, by any stretch (believe you me), but I must grudgingly admit that I have developed a slight, sneaking admiration of Cameron's willingness to be so upfront. Whether he's making a dreadful mistake, or paving the way for some courageous conversations remains to be seen, but to paraphrase Jeremy Hardy in Blackadder Goes Forth, I've got to admire his balls.

Anyway, what's your take on all this?

Perhaps this might be an opportune moment to remind ourselves of the time Cameron was completely lost for words during an interview with Gay Times (Lazy YouTube Embed alert!). Anyone for a Brokeback Coalition? I think the common parlance here is... LOL LMFAO etc...

9764 Jeopardy Lane

Aye. Enjoying the new job, thanks for asking.

In spite of the suggested drudgery in the accompanying picture, the daily drive through the M80-40mph-average-speed-roadworks isn't too bad either; it kind of flows.

Given that our car only has a cassette/radio, I've settled into listening to Radio 4. I mean, I suppose I could dig out some old C90s from the loft, but I'm not one of those folks who go all misty-eyed over mixtapes (although, I used to produce them at a legendary rate between the ages of 14 and 21).

So, for me, it's Today on the way in and PM on the way home. The homeward-bound journeys on Wednesdays and Fridays are a particular treat; you can't beat a bit of Heresy or (in particular) The News Quiz. The other week there, Armando Iannucci had me (literally) LOL-ing as I careered towards the Kincardine Bridge at about 70mph.

I really am partial to a bit of Today too, but fuck me, wouldn't it be nice - even if it was for just one day - if everyone who "appeared" on the show didn't feel quite so compelled to utter the words, "robust" and "transparent" every two seconds, irrespective of the topic being discussed? Sheesh.

Geronimo!

I'm so looking forward to seeing Matt Smith as the new Doctor tomorrow. I know he's going to be great.

My oldest daughter is adamant she will hate him, but I am quick to remind her how devastated she was when Christopher Eccleston turned into David Tennant. I know by the time episode 13 has aired, I'll be able to turn around and say, "I told you so!"

Twin peaks

It's been a busy old time for me since Christmas and a time during which a couple of my aspirations have been realised.

In early February, I passed my driving test. Until recently, I've never really felt compelled to drive - not even twenty years ago when all my mates were busy passing their tests and getting cars. Sure, it was fun being driven around by them, but their fascination with going round and round the "boy racer" circuits of Fife - such as Kirkcaldy Esplanade and (the pre-pedestrianised) Dunfermline town centre - just left me cold.  

I did take a number of lessons in Edinburgh during the latter part of the 1990s, but I failed my test and wasn't too arsed about spending more money to re-sit. Prior to autumn 2009, the last time I sat behind the wheel of a vehicle was at Dreghorn Barracks in 2002 when I drove an army Jeep... blindfold! Don't ask.

Anyway, for the past year or so, I'd had this growing sense that it would be great just to jump in the car and take the kids out somewhere for the day. So I began taking refresher lessons in September last year and was due to sit my practical test in early January. Of course, the heavy snow and ice which was hard-packed on Fife roads for best part of a month put paid to that and so the test was postponed and re-booked for February. 

I've really enjoyed being out and about in the car of a weekend; I find I don't get bored with it and can just drive and drive and drive. A couple of weeks ago, I headed southwards on the A1 towards Berwick-Upon-Tweed before driving back up to Edinburgh via Coldstream. I didn't let on to the kids that they were in England until they saw the "Scotland Welcomes You" sign just after crossing Coldstream Bridge! A nice wee surprise for them and something for them to tell their pals at school the next day. I've also enjoyed visiting places I haven't been for around thirty years; lovely scenic places such as Anstruther, Callander and Loch Lomond. I'm really looking forward to going back during the summer months.

The second achievement was gaining a hard-won promotion at work; I start in just over a week's time. The position is a dual-site role: I'll be primarily based near Glasgow, but will also spend regular time in North West England. So no more Stagecoach buses in and out of Edinburgh for me.

Good job I passed my test then, eh?

Hands up in the air, lay down your arms

You Got The Love... it's one of those rare songs which [1] keeps coming back time and again, [2] people never seem to tire of hearing and [3] doesn't fall into the category marked "irritating" because of points [1] and [2].

The song itself has a history which stretches back almost a quarter of a century. The precise details are murky, but from what I can gather - having pieced together the things I think I know, the stuff on Wikipedia and other bits 'n' bobs I've picked up from elsewhere - Candi Staton recorded the original vocal track for inclusion on an American weight loss video. It was subsequently put to music in 1986 and has continued to resurface in a number of incarnations ever since, most notably (and officially) in 1991, 1996/97 and 2006.

Someone has kindly uploaded the 1986 version onto YouTube (have a listen here). It makes for interesting listening, I'm sure you'll agree. For me, quite unlike all subsequent mixes and versions, this is the only one in which the production sounds very much "of its time".

My favourite version is the 1991 release where Eren Abdullah paired the vocals with the very beautiful and sparse electronic instrumentation of Your Love by Jamie Principle and Frankie Knuckles; this one is most often referred to as Eren's Bootleg Mix. When it was officially released in the UK, this version was edited down (4:02) for the 7", whilst the full-length version (7:09) - and a number of other mixes - came spread across two 12" singles. Wikipedia makes reference to the 1991 release, but does not document the specific mixes contained therein. So for the sake of accuracy, I will.

The white-sleeved 12" is the main one and features:

• Eren's Bootleg Mix (the aforementioned 7:09 mix)
• Olimax Remix (8:05)
• Chicago '86 Mix (4:26)

The pink-sleeved 12" is a five track release featuring:

• Dave Harrow and Charlie Hall Remix (6:08)
• BPM Remix (5:24)
• Up Side Instrumental Mix (5:16)
• Sow The Seed You Reap Acapella (0:17)
• A short reprise (1:56) of the Dave Harrow and Charlie Hall Remix. 

The song's next official release came in 1996. This time the minimal electronica had gone, replaced by a somewhat blustery-sounding (but nonetheless excellent) backing. The main version of this is known as the Now Voyager Mix and should not be confused with the similarly entitled New Voyager Mix from 2006! The Now Voyager version is the one which most people seem to remember best, reinforced by the fact that it serves as the basis for Florence + The Machine's cover version(s). So, although the song's early history does not seem thoroughly documented, it's the plethora of remixes from the mid-1990s onwards which I find especially dizzying.

The main versions from the 1996/97 release are:

• Now Voyager Radio Mix (3:34)
• Now Voyager Mix (6:06)
• Rhythm Masters Classic Vocal Mix (9:58)
• Farley and Heller Roachin' In Tha Bassline Mix (8:44)
• Original Mix (6:47) This is clearly not the original mix nor even the 1991 version, but actually an updated remix of Eren's Bootleg Mix; the most notable differences being the speeded-up instrumentation, the pitch-shifted vocals and the addition of some other mid-90's flourishes.
• Original Radio Mix (4:02) This is the 1991 7" edit of Eren's Bootleg Mix and is mercifully free of any additional fucking about.

...but I'm quite sure there are likely to be many, many more mixes from this era.

2006 saw yet another onslaught of further new mixes, the lead one being the New Voyager Mix referred to above and, frankly, I can't be arsed listing them all. If I could be bothered trying, it's unlikely that I'd make the list anywhere near exhaustive - only exhausting for you and me alike.

And yes, it's back again! The latest slew comes courtesy of a cover by Florence + The Machine who have retitled it slightly to You've Got The Love. The current incarnation is Florence and Dizzee's live performance from the Brits, You've Got The Dirtee Love, but this is, in fact, Florence + The Machine's third version of the song! The first appeared on their Dog Days Are Over single in 2008. It was then later re-recorded and included as a bonus track on the Lungs album (and indeed released as a single in its own right - with a number of associated remixes - in 2009). On a side note, I do like Florence + The Machine; my only criticism is that I sometimes feel Florence's vocals border on ear-hurting shouty-ness (1:55 to 2:55 on their 2009 version will bear this out). That said, (as other bloggers have noted) she does seem a bit barking - at least on stage - but I'd say that's exactly what British music needs, eh?

Jeezo, you can't keep a good song down, can you? I'm willing to bet that You Got The Love will continue to be remixed, re-interpreted, "re-imagined" and covered for years to come. Magic!

Let's all make a bomb

After about two months of running myself into the fucking ground, I've finally got a bit of decent time off work.

So fucked have I felt that, whilst I may have been doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that, my weapon of choice has been to generally do nothing in particular.

Monday was the last day I worked and that was spent on a trip to Northampton. Although I've been once before, it was only to the Grange Park industrial estate on the outskirts.

This time, as I had hours and hours and hours to kill, I "seized" the chance to have a right old root around the main town centre. Much like any other commercial/retail centre in any other provincial town across the land, Northampton becomes a pretty bleak affair once you have trudged around for three hours in the bollock-freezing January temperature. However, at one point out on the main street, my boredom was alleviated (for all the wrong reasons) by a bizarre, Orwellian voice which boomed out, seemingly from the sky, telling some poor woman - in a blue jacket - to dismount from her bike. Fucking hell.

Anyway, just like when you're off sick, I have been unable to resist the odd bit of morning telly. I do like The Wright Stuff as well as the banter on This Morning. I know that Holly Willoughby is not generally liked in the land of blogs, but she does have a good on-screen chemistry with the ever-youthful (even with silver hair) Philip Schofield. As with Phil 'n' Fern, it's not the features and interviews I like, it's the way they openly enjoy making each other laugh which I find entertaining.

Those endless adverts for generating cash from old, unwanted gold and mobile phones are such a fucking grind, aren't they? They are the modern, recession equivalent of the ones you used to get for homeowner loans - a mirror image of (ahem) the good times. So all that gold jewellery you bought with that £25,000 advance, so nonchalantly arranged over the phone with Picture Loans, can now be sent off in a high visibility envelope and - if it ever reaches them - Postal Gold and their ilk will send you a cheque for a fraction of its worth in return. The pittance you'll get may go some (ie very little) way to repaying the 360 month loan with interest you're still committed to.

The Envirofone advert fascinates me. It's just the wide-eyed enthusiasm (ie lying) of those fuds telling us that we may even get £150 for some gashy old mobile handset. As if. I think I may still have an old Nokia 3210 sitting in the loft, probably in good nick, but oh so very 2000. I'd be lucky if that even fetched 20p.

In the name of research - and to remind myself of how much I hate this advert - I had a quick look on YouTube and it turns out that the "Great" British public have developed a real liking for the fat bloke who says, "Wonga!". There's all manner of Wonga! video posts - it's kind of funny, but also wearily inevitable at the same time. Some wag's even put up a Facebook page on the Wonga! Man.

It'll pass, just like the Cillit Bang remix craze did. That is all.

Dundee bukkake parties...

... or "Why might the Queen have been seen using binoculars on 30 April 2009?"

Not my words, ladies and gentlemen, but those of some intrepid Googlers who've landed on Avenues and Alleyways recently.

Well, they certainly knock "Coleen Nolan's tits", "Lorne Spicer's tits", "Kym Marsh's tits", "Sheila Fearne naked" and - worst of all - "Anita Dobson topless" into the proverbial cocked hat!

Anyway, I can't help with the majority of those searches, but for those interested, here's a picture of an attendee at a recent bukkake party in Dundee. What's that musty smell?

[File under "Let's laugh at Google search topics" and "That'll keep the hits coming"]

Bad times

Yesterday, I did something which I can't go back and change; something I've since come to deeply regret...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I watched Justin Lee Collins' Head Or Tails on Five. I know, I know! It was shite and my actions are totally unforgivable. It. Just. Sort-of. Happened.

I must admit that I began to warm a little to... ahem... JLC during his time on Friday/Sunday Night Project when he was paired up with Alan Carr, but I'm afraid he's now firmly back in my hate zone. Not only was Heads Or Tails even more mundane than its title might suggest, but it was also less entertaining than watching twenty-two identical sealed boxes being opened over the course of forty-five minutes.

I'll never get that time back and now I cant even look at myself in the mirror.

Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em

So, the power of Facebook and Twitter are demonstrated yet again...

Like many things, they probably have as many good points as bad, so whilst Twitter may given a voice to many a discontented Iranian voter, it - along with The Book Of The Faces - is also responsible for replacing one complete bastard Christmas number one with another.

To be honest though, I'm not really all that fussed one way or another. I always found Rage Against The Machine's corporate-sponsored angst utterly boring and maybe that's because when they were at their most prolific, I was busy rediscovering music with proper tunes (En Vogue's My Lovin', Suede's The Drowners, Saint Etienne's Join Our Club and Maria McKee's Youth-produced joyfest, Sweetest Child being prime examples). For a reasoned argument against the tiresome Let's-Get-"Our"-Christmas-Number-One-"Back" campaign, just read the sentiments expressed by Mr Andrew Collins here (aye... of course, you come to my blog before you go to his... you're only human after all!).

Anyway, the whole point of this post is not to rage against RATM or, indeed, the X Factor. It's just that I'm so surprised that I actually know what is at the "top spot" - festive or otherwise! Putting aside the X Factor's yuletide successes of 2005 to 2008, I really cannot recall the last time I knew what was number one, far less give a shit!

Perhaps it was the time in 1998 when I wanted Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls to beat Spice Girls' Goodbye. And a fat lot of good that did.