Oh, these are the things that kill me...

Time for a rant !

There`s lots of terrible things happening in the world; some real evil. This is the sort of stuff we should really get worked up about. So why is it, I feel my life is often blighted by such trivial irritations as....


...those who want to show us exactly how mobile their mobile phone is ?
Much has been written about people on public transport with mobile phones, and yes all those cliches about stupid ringtones, bellowing down the handset, and saying "Where are you" really gets on my tits as much as the next person.

However, I don`t know if you`ve spotted an irritating habit that many individuals exhibit when making or receiving a call whilst waiting for a bus, or when standing outside a shop ? Why is it that these (predominantly male) phone users suddenly feel the need to start wandering up and down, around and about, back and forth, to and fro when talking (too loudly) to the person on the other end ? I`m not kidding you. It`s like they can`t really believe that they`re using a phone that doesn`t have a cord attached to it, and so have to parade up and down just to make sure that this wonder of modern technology actually works.

Fuds.


...people wearing / using Bluetooth headsets ?

I mean, for fuck`s sake. They just make you look like a complete tit.
Don`t think I`ve ever seen these being worn by a woman ever. It`s always blokes.

Arseholes.



...people who can`t stand still in bus queues, or train platforms ?
I just want to rattle these idiots.

These clowns may not necessarily have a phone / Bluetooth headset attached to their ears, but they sure as fuck can`t stand still. They pace back and forth, kicking imaginary stones as they go. Train platforms are the worst; people will aimlessly wander the full length of the platform until they can go no further, turn on their heels, and walk all they way in the opposite direction Just fucking stand still !

Knobs.


...people who say, "ITHANGYOU !" ?
...in that really smug way, when they really should just say "Thank you", or "Thanks".


...people at work who say, "Well... I`m here !" ?
...when you ask them how they are. Yeah - glad I fucking asked. Sorry, if you fucking hate it that much, do something about it.


...motorists who pick their nose ?
You might be in your own respective "private space"s when you`re driving yer Chelsea Tractors into Edinburgh (without any passengers, natch !), but we can all see you picking yer fucking noses ya dirty bastards. Maybe you`re all aware of that, and ye really are that arrogant.

Wankers.


...Stagecoach bus drivers ?
Not all of them, mind. Many are decent blokes who like to look after their passengers / customers, but most are complete scum.


...smelly folk on public transport ?
Sorry, there`s just no fucking excuse. But why do you feel compelled to sit where I can smell you ?

The smells can vary, but often it`s out-and-out B.O.
Sometimes it`s someone who clearly hangs up their jacket in the kitchen, next to the chip pan. Occasionally it`s a faded 50s teddy boy who`s "quiff" is held together with that smell of Brylcreem build-up, on a none-too-frequently washed scalp. You very often get the Chav (it`s a chosen behaviour, not a class thing) who just has that stale spunk / McVities digestives / jam roly-poly / fags / ganja smell about them. Fuckin disgustin.

Get away from me dirty fuckers.

It may look to the untrained eye, I`m sitting on my arse all day !

It`s the height of Summer and (apart from some thunder this morning) the weather`s been pretty amazing. Unusually for me, at this time of year, I`m feeling utterly depressed.

I`ve come to accept that November to March every year bring out the worst in me. That`s when I`m at my most bleak. When the days get longer, and the weather is warmer, I can feel the ice-cold misery begin to thaw. It really is that tangible. I think (to a certain degree) I suffer from S.A.D., but that`s often perceived as a made-up excuse to be miserable and sit about all day; very much in the same way that M.E. sufferers are often accused of being malingerers.

I`ve been on anti-depressants a number of times over the years. I`ve never been prescribed Prozac, which was highly fashionable (jeez) in the early 90s, but I have in the past "been on" Seroxat. Prescribing Seroxat to teenagers is now banned due to high instances of suicide. This is something I can understand to an extent. When I was on Seroxat (aged about 29), it managed to fuck me up big style; I can remember days of deep, deep depression, walking through rainy streets of Dunfermline growling at myself with self-hatred. Bleak, bleak times. Whatever was wrong with me was magnified and made much worse by the mind-altering effects of Seroxat.

Over the intervening years, I have been prescribed Fluoxetine on an on-off basis; that does seem to help.

The thing I was never able to understand is that I`ve nothing to be miserable about, really. I`m married to the most wonderful woman in the world - we`ve known each other since 1988, got together in 1992, and got married in 1996. We`ve got two adorable daughters; they`re beautiful, healthy, kind, funny and strong-willed; everything you`d want your kids to be. I truly enjoy my job - not many people can say that. Money`s okay; could be better, but there`s many worse off than me. We get to go on holiday sometimes (although not as often as I`d like - bit of a sun-worshipper - not in the got-to-get-a-suntan sort of way, just so I can feel brightness and heat), Gran Canaria being my favourite.

In March this year, I could not bear this feeling any longer. I went to the Doctor (`n` guess what he told me, guess what he told me ? He said, son you better try to have fun no matter what u do, but he`s a fool ! Sorry, what was I thinking of ?) and told her all about my inexplicable misery, and how I felt I had just generally slowed right down over the past few months.

She organised some blood tests, and I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. This apparently can bring on all sorts of weird symptoms - inexplicable depression among them. So I`m on Thyroxine for the rest of my life. On the plus-side, at least I get free prescriptions. The thing is, it can take ages to get a thyroid at the right level and then maintain it, so regular bloodtests, and tweaking of the Thyroxine dosage are required to get things right. My most recent blood tests suggested the level was right, but I`m back to this depressed state, and falling into a deep sleep at the drop of a hat.

It doesn`t seem that right to me; I feel a constant anxiety and dizziness; will sleep for hours on end, and then still feel wiped out. Is this normal; is this how we`re all meant to feel ?

Oh, woe is me.