Ten years gone

Yes - it really is ten years since the so-called People's Princess kicked the bucket.

Today's news is filled with 10th Anniversary "celebrations". Regular readers should by now know that I hate the "Royal" Family and all their associated hangers-on with such a furious intensity that I find I my usual sense of reason and my rather special "way with words" fly out the window. So I'm not going to make "The Queen of Hearts" (I can feel my blood pressure rising dangerously even at the mere sound of that moniker) the subject of this post.

Instead, I'm going to dedicate the remainder of this entry to other things that happened in 1997 and how I simply cannot believe that ten years have passed in the blink of an eye.

Sod me! It really is ten years since...

New Labour swept into government
The Tories were finally kicked out after 18 years of government. There was a new wave of optimism in the UK which Tony Blair's new government seemed to represent. As the weeks and months after 1 May passed, that sense of optimism swiftly faded. Meet the new boss - same as the old boss.

Primal Scream released "Vanishing Point"
Preceded by the thunderous "Kowalski" single, "Vanishing Point" represented a sparkling return to form after the severe disappointment of 1994's "Give Out But Don't Give Up". The band's line-up was augmented by former Stone Roses bassist, Mani. Around this time, My Bloody Valentine mainman, Kevin Shields, joined the band on tour, later contributing to 2000's "Xtrmtr".

We went to Gran Canaria for the very first time
I'd never been abroad before and I absolutely loved Gran Canaria from the moment I set foot on its soil.

Britain won the Eurovision Song Contest
Katrina and the Waves "followed-up" the success of their 1985 hit, the impossibly summery "Walking On Sunshine", with the lumpen "Love Shine A Light". Astonishingly, it won Eurovision.

The Battersbys arrived in "Coronation Street"
Brian "The Axeman" Park arrived as "Coronation Street" producer in this year. Straight away, he axed Bill Webster, Maureen Holdsworth, Andy McDonald and (most-famously) Derek Wilton. Wilton was killed off in a road rage incident whilst the remaining three characters have all returned at various points in the past ten years.

Park also gave us the Battersbys - yeah, thanks a bundle. I liked step-sisters, Toyah and Leanne both of whom have left Weatherfield for a new life at some point. It has been nice to see Leanne back in recent years and it would be ideal if Toyah made a return too. Unlikely, though.

I could never stand Les and Janice Battersby. Glad to see the back of him (at last!) and I'm gutted that the show's producers went back on their decision to axe Janice last year. Boo.

Dolly the Sheep
Actually born at the Roslin Institute, Edinburgh in 1996, but finally announced to the world in this year.

BBC News 24 was launched
Still the best of the round-the-clock news services - in my opinion.

The Verve's "Urban Hymns"
Not an especially great album really, but the four singles taken from it ("Bittersweet Symphony", "The Drugs Don't Work", "Lucky Man" and "Sonnet") were outstanding.

The term "Weblog" was coined
And look where we are now. That's progress for you!

I was 26
I still can't get over it!

The People's Princess? My bloody arse.

Doing it right!

Because I'm more than a little worn out with my DIY exploits, I thought I'd give you a second lazy YouTube embed - yes two in one night! Well, it's not as though anybody is still reading this sorry-arsed excuse for a blog anymore... is it?

I love this song...

Do you know how to kill loneliness at last?

Even although the whole family is at home, it can still get pretty lonely fitting a bathroom. My Dad's been helping me with the plumbing, but everything else has been down to me.

Whilst I had planned to use my traditional end-of-August-avoid-the-Edinburgh-Festival-fortnight-off to rip out our old bathroom (well, I say "our" old bathroom, but it wasn't actually chosen by us - the previous owner of this house had dubious taste to say the least - I might regale you with the garden story one day) to fit the new one, I still can't quite get over the fact that I have practically spent two whole weeks in the bog.

To keep me company and to wile away the hours, I have been leaving the computer room door open to listen to the radio via the BBC website. I haven't listened to the radio in years; between 1987 and 1991, I was subjected to Steve Wright and his tiresome posse on weekday afternoons and then Dave Lee Travis and his execrable radio darts and snooker at weekends when I had a part-time job behind the scenes of a "department" store in Dunfermline. Those who worked there seemed to have an insatiable appetite for that bollocks, but it drove me to complete insanity. Me and a like-minded co-worker eventually couldn't take it anymore and we beat the radio to a fucking pulp with a metal bar. It was a very cathartic exercise.

Over the past fortnight, I have discovered the joys of the BBC's "Listen Again" feature and, in turn, the Radcliffe and Maconie show on Radio 2. I think Stuart Maconie's great - he has a particular way with words that always cracks me up. Radcliffe's good too, but I find myself being distracted by his constant use of the "errrrrrrr..." sound before starting a sentence. Anyway, keep up the good work lads! It is ironic that most of the "Listen Again" links for this show have been for the ones they broadcast from the Edinburgh Festival, but it is a testament to their consummate broadcasting skills that I have still managed to find it all highly absorbing.

They've been playing this track to death over the past couple of weeks and rightly so(years from now, I will still associate this song with grouting). It's fab! Cue the lazy YouTube embed...

From the Black Hill transmitter serving Central Scotland...

In the week ahead, Scottish Television will turn 50.

For me, STV (as it was referred to from the late 1960s until the mid 1980s - and again since March 2006) has always been a somewhat strange affair. As a child, I could never really come to terms with the fact that it was broadcast from Glasgow and not Edinburgh, but somehow, like many other regionally-based TV studios, STV still managed to create some kind of special aura about Cowcaddens. Like ATVLand, Teddington Lock or the BBC's Pebble Mill, "Coo-caddens" in Glasgow seemed to exist in some kind of parallel world, but - as it turned out - it was actually just up the road from the Buchanan Street bus station.

I have some hazy recollections of STV during the 1970s...

Firstly, I always felt a bit miffed that STV programmes never had an animated ident at start of them like Thames, ATV or even Anglia(!). Perhaps this is an example of the typical Scottish chip-on-the-shoulder; Granada and one or two others aside, most English stations had all manner of whizzing graphics and big, brash accompanying music. STV had none. Harrumph - it just didn't seem fair. Whilst there were some attempts at ident animation on STV at that time, these idents seemed to be reserved only for out-of-vision continuity announcements and - it would be fair to say - they were also a bit pants.

Anyway... what about the programming?

My recollections of STV productions range from vivid memories to utter vagueness. Most of what I watched (kids' shows - as you might expect -, comedies and "Coronation Street") was produced by the big ITV players. There was a hideous tartan-and-heather Scottish dance show called "Thingummyjig" (presented in a slightly sarcastic way by Jack McLaughlin - as I recall, this was much in the same vein as John Peel on "Top of the Pops" during his pairings with David "Kid" Jenson and Janice "Chegger's-sister" Long). "Thingummyjig" was very much the successor to the BBC's "White Heather Club" of the 1950s and '60s and seemed to feature Fran and Anna every single week.

"Scotland Today" was - as it remains to this day - the centrepiece of STV's news and current affairs output during the 1970s. In those days, it was presented by John Toye and his less-remembered sidekick, Marion White. I recall watching it one evening at my Gran's house around 1974/75. A local girl I knew, who was perhaps about five or six years older than me, had been found murdered and we were tuning in to hear if there had been any developments. I remember she was quite a boisterous girl who always seemed to get into scrapes and I felt quite intimidated by her. It was a hot summer's day when they buried her - I will always remember the black cars as they went along our street and my Mum crying as she got me dressed. When you're about three or four years old, your parents protect you from that sort of reality and so this was the only outward grief I witnessed. This also means that many aspects of what happened to the girl remain a mystery to me to this day. I think that she was found "round the loch" where she had been fishing, but more than that I have no idea. I really hope they got the bastard that did it.

The highlight of any Sunday afternoon in 1970's STVland must surely have been "Glen Michael's Cavalcade" which ran from 1966 until 1991. The show essentially consisted of perhaps five or six cartoons, linked together by Glen (real name, Cecil Buckland - which I have to admit, I actually prefer) and his trusty companions, Rudi the dachshund/Rusti the terrier and the bizarre-but-memorable Paladin the talking lamp. The show was augmented by the birthday card slot and also a semi-regular feature where some bloke from a zoo would bring in snakes and that. Really, we just wanted to see the cartoons and hear about the birthdays - to be frank.

Other shows from the era, which I would love to see again, include a televised version of "The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie" starring Geraldine McEwan in the lead role and "Charles Endell Esquire" featuring the Scottish villain made famous by Iain Cuthbertson years earlier in LWT's outstanding "Budgie" (CE: "Wid ye like a joab, Budgie?", B: "Ooh... not 'alf, Charlie"). It is said that, due to the ITV strike of the late 1970s, only two episodes of this series actually went to air, but it somehow sticks in my mind.

The late Tom Weir, brother of Molly, was famed for "Weir's Way". Tom became something of a cult in Scotland; his shows were always genteel affairs which saw him rambling across the hills and highlands of Scotland sporting his trademark "tammy" and hiking boots, stopping to chat to the locals along the way. One time, around 1976, my Mum and Dad took my sister and I camping across the north of Scotland. On the isle of Skye, we drove past Tom as he cycled along. Nobody else in the car really noticed; to this very day, they all thought I was mistaken - that it was just some old bloke on a bike. No! No! No!!! It was Tom Weir! IT.REALLY.WAS!!!

"Garnock Way" was a home-grown soap and was the pre-cursor to "Take The High Road". Although I don't remember much about "Garnock Way", I do recall that it featured the mighty Eileen McCallum in a pre-"High Road" role. I have met Eileen on a number of occasions and she is a truly lovely lady. It is also a bizarre coincidence that I have known two different people who have lived in flats above Eileen in Edinburgh; firstly in the west end in the late 1980s and then in the Bellevue area during the mid-90s. Eileen McCallum has had many stage and screen roles over the past four decades and is worthy of wider recognition.

There is one show, however, which remains filed under the vague "Was-it-really-on-or-did-I-just-dream-it?" heading - STV's own local equivalent of Shaw Taylor's "Police Five". For the life of me, the name of this programme escapes me (although it might have been "Crimefile"), but I know it was presented by some convivial old chap with white hair and thick, dark-rimmed glasses. Do any Scottish readers remember this?

Anyway, on that somewhat confused note, I'd just like to say, "Here's tae ye, STV! Many happy returns!".

Dropping the kids off at the pool

Aye.

The bathroom is coming along rather nicely, thanks for asking!

Friends, did you get a little silver? Did you get a little gold?

What did you bring me, my dear friends, to keep me from the Gallow's Pole?

Look who's 36 today!

I'm sure you'll agree, I'm not looking too bad for my age.

Nice tits, luv. Now where do you want the blinds?

I'm completely shite at telling jokes.

If I've heard a joke that I like, I have a terrible time trying to recount it to others. It usually ends up that I either cannot remember how it goes, or I'm laughing at the punchline before I even get there (this inevitably means that it comes as a bit of an anti-climax for everyone once I finally arrive at it).

I also find people who constantly sidle-up to you to say things like, "Here... have you heard that Gary Glitter and Jonathan King have teamed up to record a new single?" (I made that one up, but you get the idea - it would end up in some tasteless punchline which they would expect you to laugh at) annoying in the extreme. I'm not really a man who enjoys that format of joke (never mind the usually highly-offensive subject matter); I'm much more of an anecdote fan, which clearly means that I'm more of a hoot down the boozer.

Nevertheless, I'm currently celebrating the 10th anniversary of hearing the only "traditional" joke which I actually find funny. It's also the only one I can really tell - and I still do to this day!

I won't bore you with it today, but its punchline is the title of this post.

Randomly generated TV logo...

In the first of an occasional series, let's all raise a glass to the "Department S" logo.

As iconic and mighty as Lew Grade's ATV were, they were certainly not renowned for their regionally-based output. Through ATV's ITC offshoot, Grade sanctioned the making of such lavish productions as "The Saint", "Man In A Suitcase", "The Champions", "The Protectors", "The Prisoner" and "The Persuaders" (amongst many, many others) which would sell to zillions of countries worldwide.

"Department S" came from the same stable and ran for two seasons between 1969 and 1970. The eponymous Department S were an offshoot of Interpol; a select group set up to investigate and solves crimes of a more "supernatural" nature. The team comprised of Stuart Sullivan (Joel Fabiani), Annabel Hurst (Rosemary Nicols) and the mighty, mighty Jason King (the incomparable, Peter Wyngarde), all "headed up" by Sir Curtis Seretse (Dennis Alaba Peters).

Whilst the show featured a very strong cast, it cannot be denied that the real star of the piece was Wyngarde's King - a more iconic and sartorially elegant a figure of a man, you could never wish to meet. King was such a hit with viewers that the character was treated to his very own spin-off series, (the surprisingly-titled) "Jason King".

Anyway, here's to the "Department S" logo - a big, bold "Fuck you!" and doing exactly what it says on the tin!

Have a look at this lazy YouTube embed to get the full flavour of the show's of-the-era opening titles and wonderful, soaring theme tune.

Remember me? I'm the one who had your babies!

I'm sorry if things are a wee bit quiet on here at present; my Dad and I (pictured here at a wedding in the late 1980s) are busy fitting a new bathroom.

You can see from my profile picture that I have aged dramatically in the past twenty years. Such are the effects of parenting, drinking, working, blogging and too much DIY (although obviously I'm not quite doing it myself this time around).

I will resume my "normal" service in due course. There are loads of things currently getting on my tits which I'm storing up; the Edinburgh Festival and Fringe; irritating and repetitious sponsors' adverts on TV programmes ("Trudy - lights! Lights, Trudy!!! TRUDY!!!"); town planning in Dunfermline; the list goes on. Chances are, however, that by the time I get around to writing about them, there'll be something else even more annoying "on my radar" (such as that phrase - arrghhh!) and I'll have forgotton about my original irritations.

Erm...

So it goes...

Anthony Wilson

1950-2007

Ah remember daein' a keech in this very corner here...

...Christ! It's still there!

In 1976, Peter McDougall followed "Just Another Saturday" with another Play For Today tour de force, "The Elephants' Graveyard".

"The Elephants' Graveyard" is far more whimsical - and shorter - than its predecessor. The 49 minute play is once again directed by John Mackenzie and is a two-hander between Jon Morrison (as Bunny) and Billy Connolly (Jody) and features gorgeous scenery and some sparkling dialogue.

Bunny has told his wife that he is a postman, but in reality, he spends his days roaming the hills and countryside around Greenock. One day, he bumps into the similarly unemployed Jody (he has told his wife he works at the area's IBM site). The two spend the day "shooting the breeze", putting the world to rights and generally trying to avoid thinking about how and when they will break the bad news to their wives - particularly when they have no pay packet to show for their "efforts".

As their day progresses, the duo drink their way through two bottles of strong fortified wine - something to deliver a "blow to the frontal lobes". Getting increasingly lairy, they egg each other on as they compete to outdo each other in all manner of "heroics". Whilst Bunny falls into water twice, Jody gets stuck climbing up a big hill (coming to his rescue, Bunny describes him as looking "like a worm comin' oot a hole!") and manages to fall to the ground swinging from a branch which inevitably breaks under his weight. This sends Bunny into hysterics, Jody decides to give chase as he roars, "Ah'm gonnae batter you, ya shite!".

In one scene, Jody takes an apparent swipe at reknowned Clydeside union leaders of the day; he proclaims, "They start aff fine guys. Thinkin' they can articulate fur the boys... Get oan TV, a wee interview here, a chat show there - shows they can shout their case even louder fur the boys. And that's them finished...". Could this wee outburst be made with reference to shipyard shop steward, turned media pundit, Jimmy Reid? Who knows?

Bunny and Jody's day ends as they head back to their respective wives at the end of their bogus shifts. As the two say their goodbyes and part company, Bunny turns around to say something to Jody and, in a split second, he has completely disappeared out of sight. Was Jody for real? Was Bunny such a dreamer that he made up an imaginary friend with whom to pass the time of day? Or was Jody simply Bunny's conscience? We'll never know.

"The Elephants' Graveyard" is an understated classic. Whilst there's not a cat in hell's chance it'll ever appear on TV again, the good news is that it's available to buy on DVD from John Williams Productions. I've just ordered my copy of "Just A Boy's Game" (McDougall's third Play For Today from 1979) from the site. Also highly recommended is his 1993 classic, "Down Among The Big Boys" featuring Billy Connolly as wealthy safe-breaker, JoJo. "Tickety-fucking-boo!".

Oh look... some kind soul has uploaded a clip of "Elephants' Graveyard" to YouTube. This is just glorious - enjoy it!

Just Another Saturday

"It gives us something to do with our Saturdays."

I finally got my hands on another one of those "Play For Today" classics.

Peter McDougall's "Just Another Saturday" was first broadcast in 1975 and featured sectarianism as its subject. It's the day of the Orange Walk and whole families are out for what amounts to a Protestant Gala. The story is centred around 17 year old John (Jon Morrison) who is the baton twirler in the Muirhill Flute Band.

John is considered one of the best baton-twirlers in living memory; he is eager to lead the parade and whips the band members into a frenzy as they head through the streets of Glasgow. Whilst he is not completely oblivious to what sectarianism is all about, and the part that he is playing in it, as the film progresses we begin to see a creeping realisation descend on John that it's not all about "fun days", sing-songs and baton twirling.

The grim truth is revealed to John as the band purposefully march down a Catholic street on their way back to their base. John is encouraged to give it all he's got and the band go into overdrive. Needless to say, it's not long before some of the residents rise to the bait as trouble ensues. Bottles and other missiles are hurled down from windows and balconies onto the march below. The women and children of the march run for cover, men are glassed and John is pelted with excrement. A bottle is thrown and smashes through a window where a young child can be seen sitting in the bath in front of the fire and we see a fist striking an old man through a pane of glass. For the most of the men in the march, this bloodletting is very necessary and something they seem to relish in. These disturbing scenes are too much for John. He is seen as the lone dissenter and only voice of reason; "They're Scottish just the same as you and me" he remarks to his mate.

Aside from revealing the evils of sectarianism and how entrenched the views of either "side" are, there are no real conclusions to this film. Although the seeds of doubt have clearly been sown in John's mind, we see him at the end of the film looking forward to his Sunday game of football.

The marching, the singing and the violence are for Saturdays. Football is for Sundays.