Parasitic - you're syphilitic

Woooohooooo!

I received a letter today stating that I had won a gift donated by a local business! Great. I'd won something without even entering a competition. How very lucky am I?

I won't let the fact that we were named on the envelope as simply Mr/Mrs put me off because... as I said... I've won something for nothing! Brilliant. Perhaps I should ring the local number in the letter. Hmmm... what was that? Oh yes... 01383 770035. It simply has to be 100% genuine!

Thank you Matters Consulting Ltd (trading as Survey UK), Victoria House, 1 Gloucester Road, Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, GL51 8LN. Thank you very much indeed. I can't wait to claim my free prize.

Wow. This really is too good to be true. Will I take any notice of this? Nah... now where's my "free" gym membership?

Some say this could be the great divide

Well, since the last post, we've been absolutely "indundated" with requests for help and advice from our resident sage - First Minister, Alex Salmond.

Because we've had so many, I've had to randomly pick a request out of the tombola. First up is Avenues and Alleyways friend, Inchy fae Faw-kurk. Inchy writes:

"Hiya Alex, ah wis jist wonderin' how much the Commonwealth Games in 2014 is gonnae cost me?

Hings are a wee bit tight the noo. Diesel's went through the roof, ma gas is gonnae sky rocket, and ah cannae live withoot a punnet ae strawberries in the winter!

Gees a brek here, ah've got white puddin' tae buy!"

Well it's a toughie alright. Earlier today, I put Inchy's heartfelt query to our First Minister. Here's what he had to say:

"Aye, Inchy. Ah hear whit yer sayin' and a ken whaur yer comin' fae, man.

First up, as ye ken, ah'm a big advocate o' the Games 'n' that. Ah cannae really gie ye an exact figure oan how much it'll coast ye, but ah strongly believe that the mull-yons and mull-yons ay poonds ye'll end up personally payin' will be worth it in the end. Jist hink - the Games wull pit Scoat-land oan the wurld stage and will help us as we go forward together into the new mull-enn-ium, likes. Ah ken that matters a lot tae ordinary folks and ye really cannae buy that kind ay kudos, son! Well, no' withoot mull-yons and mull-yons ay taxpayers' money!

Noo, this in-flay-shun business is a real tricky wan and ah lay the blame totally at the hands ay Goar-dun Broon and Alisturrr Darlin', likes. Nu-hin' tae dae we me, man - ah'm in the same boat as you. The price ay Tunnock's Tea Cakes and Barr's Irn Bru huv jist gone shroooo the roof. Huvin' said that, ah recognise the plight ay them that likes thur deep fried treats noo and again so that's why me and ma buddy, John Swinney, plan to means test the Scoats tae see if they need a White Puddin' Allowance. This'll be paid monthly intae folks' bank accoonts and should be enough fur two suppers a month.

Word ay advice. Last time ah hud a white puddin' supper, a bit ay it went doon the wrang hole. Ah wiz chokin' like mad fur aboot ten minutes solid, man. Tak care wi' thae suppers, pal - thur like sawdust unless ye pit vinegar or chippy sauce oan thum. Ah thoat ah wiz gonnae die. It'd be like Donald Dewar aw ower again.

Cheers noo, Inchy! Dinnae be a stranger!"

Well Inchy, I hope Salmond has sorted it out for you. Now... who's next? How can Scotland's First Minister help you? Leave a comment and he'll get back to you.

Book of brilliant things

My friend, The-Bloke-With-The-Broad-Scottish-Accent phoned me up on behalf of former Scottish Labour leader, Wendy Alexander, the other day.

He said, "Wendy's been a bit doon in the dumps, likes. She stepped doon fae hur po-zi-shun recently foally-in' alley-gay-shuns ay parliamentary wrang-doin'. And noo she's fairly vexed, likes. Ah cannae get hur tae pit a smile oan that coupon ay hur's. Whit dae ye 'hink ah kin dae, Sky?"

Well, as luck would have it, I've been in negotiations with the Scottish First Minister, SNP's Alex Salmond, for some time about doing the occasional Agony Uncle post on Avenues and Alleyways. It's therefore quite timely (not to mention coincidental) that the man who allegedly played an important part in Wendy's downfall should be available to provide her with some handy hints and tips on how to get over it.

Salmond... sort it out!

" Hiya, Wendy - Alex here!

Nivir mind, hen. Ah ken ah played a key part in yer heartbreak, but thon’s Scot’s politics, eh?

Chin up, doll. Thur's plenty tae smile aboot. The new Primal Scream album’s oot the day and Dragon’s Den is oan the night, so that's mair than enough tae be gettin' oan wi'!

Ha ha."

If you've got something you'd like Scotland's First Minister to help sort out, why not leave a note in the comments section? I know he'll be only too happy to help.

The same deep water as you

In less than one month's time, I'll be 37. Yeah... go, me! Etc.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about just how quickly time seems to have flown. It only seems like five minutes since I barely slept a wink the night Coronation Street's Renee Roberts was killed (28 July, 1980, fact fans - I was suffering form chickenpox and I was absolutely haunted by that episode - the first time you properly got to see a character actually being killed in an accident); cheered when Gripper Stebson was expelled from Grange Hill; and was scared shitless when the US bombed Tripoli - I thought WWIII was just around the corner.

Whilst I still enjoy many of the things I used to when I was a nipper, I can't believe just how quickly my adult years seem to have passed. A child lives mostly for the day, but when you get older - and get a proper job - your life seems to be all about planning ahead. It becomes more difficult to see the here and now because you're so busy planning for the next six months; you simply fail to notice life passing you by. Time really does pass more quickly the older you become.

I hope this doesn't sound like a pitiful, "Oh woe is me!" post, but I'm having difficulty in coming to terms with the fact that it's now:

32 years since...
I started school. I still vividly remember my first day. Although I didn't know it at the time, this was also the year punk broke. Phew, what a scorcher!

25 years since...
Blue Monday, Union Of The Snake, Nobody's Diary, Waterfront, Boxerbeat, I.O.U., Jet Set Willy, T-bag t-shirts and grandad shirts.

19 years since...
I left school. Soundtracked by eponymous albums by The Stone Roses and Primal Scream as well as The Cure's Disintegration, Transvision Vamp's Velveteen, Beatmasters' Burn It Up and Fuzzbox's Pink Sunshine. The scent of Poison by Dior still hangs heavy.

17 years since...
Loveless, Screamadelica, Bandwagonesque, Quality Street, Blue Lines, Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge. Yerself Is Steam.

10 years since...
We were overjoyed at finding out we were going to become parents in January 1999.

I love where I am, what I have become and what I am so very lucky to have. I value how I got here, but it all just seems to have happened so quickly.

But I don't see

And I don't feel

But tightly hold up silently

My hands before my fading eyes

And in my eyes your smile

The very last thing before I go...

Terms and conditions apply

Slow-loading web pages - don't you just love them?

I'm really getting fed-up of going to a web page only to have to wait "months" for these intrusive ads to load up. The really tedious ones are those written in Flash, which completely open up and take over a web page when you so much as pass your pointer over them.

At present, you can't go anywhere on the web without seeing one of those "hilarious" Barclaycard ads featuring that bloke out of The Green Wing. Oh look... he's handcuffed to the edge of a banner advert! How brilliant. What an ideal opportunity to go buy a gun and shoot his face off!

Watch out, Julian Rhind-Tutt... I'm coming for you next.

Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missing

Every now and then, everything goes eerily quiet in the land of Avenues and Alleyways. Sometimes my blogging "mojo" goes down for no readily apparent reason and can stay that way for weeks on end. At other times, I'm just plain busy.

I've been spending rather a lot of time in the "great outdoors" TM recently. I never thought I'd ever hear myself say it, but I really enjoy gardening. There's something great about this time of year when all the plants have just sprung back to life. I find myself just standing on the grass admiring my back garden (ooer!) for hours on end.

In a desperate attempt to recapture my youth, I also recently bought a mountain bike. When I was younger, I used to cycle a lot. I was never one of those fanatics who bought all the correct cycling gear (although I did have a pair of rather fetching/revealing Lycra cycling shorts!) and just sped around on countryside roads on their lighter-than-air 300 gear racers. I preferred to just get on my bike and disappear for a full day. I was as fit as a fiddle in the mid-late 1980s, mainly on account of my marathon cycle journeys which would see me cycle from Dunfermline to outlying areas such as Gleneagles, Kinross/Scotlandwell, Glenrothes and Alloa.

Back in the day, my favourite journey would be to cycle south over the Forth Road Bridge, then head off west via Bo'ness and Grangemouth to Falkirk to see my (my now dearly, departed) grandparents in Camelon for dinner before heading back. On a full stomach, I'd begin the return journey via Larbert, Kincardine and then, depending on my mood/capacity for danger, either the low road or the high road back to Dunfermline (hoots mon, that sounds very "If you tak' the High Road, then I'll tak' the Low Road!" - Scottish cliches abound!).

The low road was/is a winding, pot-holed waterside journey through beautiful Culross, Low Valleyfield, Newmills and Torryburn; the high road is the notorious Torryburn bypass - the scene of many an accident and death. Clearly the high road is a quicker, more direct route, but it's also exceedingly dangerous. It's incredible how an 18 wheeler can suck you in as it speeds past you at (probably) 60mph - takes a bit of getting used to. Both roads meet at Cairneyhill, then it's just a short-ish, mostly uphill journey from there, through Crossford before arriving back in Dunfermline. At my leisurely pace, that would take me an entire day.

The River Dee in Aberdeen is another favourite of mine. Setting out from Union Grove, I'd head down to the Great Western Road and then would disappear out west along the north side of the Dee, crossing over at either Crathes or beautiful Banchory, before returning to the city along the south side. I absolutely loved that route; the glorious summer of 1994 made it all the more perfect.

These days, my cycling routes are a bit shorter, but I'm staring to feel the benefit already. The challenge I am setting myself before summer is out, is to cycle up to the top of either Knockhill or the Cleish Hills. I used to do those a lot in my heyday. The view from the top is incredible and the thrill of the journey down the other side is second-to-none.

If I continue to be quiet, you'll know I'm out, over the hills and far away on my bike. Either that or I've died of a heart attack!

Wish me luck!

But I've been dieting!

About a year ago, when it was first announced that Catherine Tate would reprise her role as Donna Noble for the entire fourth series of Doctor Who, there were many, many nay-sayers arguing that she would ruin the show.

The uproar, from many quarters, was wholly disproportionate. It was as if Russell T Davies had just announced the end of Nu-Who itself. What utter piffle.

Well, hasn't Tate just acted her bloody socks off in this series? As far as I'm concerned, she has been an outright success and RTD's decision has been completely and utterly vindicated.

To all those who doubted this decision: shame on you. For sixteen long years, this show was off air and by some wonderful stoke of genius it was resurrected and made much, much better than it ever was in the past. And now you'll have to wait two years until the next full series.

You just didn't realise how lucky you were.