Beat the boys

They survived.

Better luck next time, Taliban.

You see, you don't mind dunking a bit of beef, do you?

ITV's This Morning celebrates its twentieth birthday this week.

Over the years, This Morning has had its fair share of highs (Trevor and Simon run riot on Fred's weather map; streaker runs riot on Fred's weather map - bit of a pattern emerging) and lows (the disastrous pairing of Coleen Nolan and Twiggy; and as Charlie Brooker put it in 2002: "Watching [John] Leslie blank-eye his way through a standard edition of This Morning, aware he was the subject of frenzied Popbitch speculation, but unaware The Wright Stuff had inadvertently fingered him hours earlier, was the year's most haunting image"). On top of all that, some of the show's low points have oddly proved to be real highs (cue Richard Madeley's Ali G impersonation).

For me, This Morning has never been about the features - the makeovers, Dr Chris Steele, Denise Roberston, that plummy twat who used to do the wine features, the gossip, the soaps, the fucking royals - it's about "the banter" in between. Whilst I used to find Richard and Judy banal beyond belief, their increasing tendency, towards the end of their tenure, to bicker openly on screen became very entertaining indeed. However, when producers paired Philip Schofield and Fern Britton in late 2002, they inadvertently struck gold.

I only see This Morning now and again, but when I do, Phil and Fern never fail to make me laugh. I have sat with tears absolutely streaming down my face when they start that uncontrollable laughing at some minor innuendo or other. I kind of feel I can relate to it, because I know that if I was presenting a TV programme and had to keep a straight face, the slightest thing would just set me off. It has happened to me at work a number of times; I might be giving a presentation and someone might inadvertently say something which "sounds a bit rude" and that'll be me - laughing so hard I can barely breathe. It might be deemed "unprofessional" by some, but I think most people probably really like that - it shows that you don't take yourself too seriously.

All the best live television shows feature moments of such unscripted hilarity and for that very reason, I say, "Happy Birthday, This Morning" - all hail Philip and Fern!

Are you going to share, or are you going to shaft?

Anyone got a crank puller they can lend me?

Thought not.

Thank you for the voice, thank you for the eyes, thank you for the good times

They may be in the process of taking over the entire universe, but thank goodness for Google! That's what I say, anyway.

I love these wee variations they do to their homepage to commemorate special occasions, anniversaries and other important calendar dates. Today they've got a rather charming autumnal page to mark the... er... first day of Autumn.

As is usually the case whenever seasons "officially" change, the weather never seems to reflect what we're all meant to expect. The first day of Autumn, 2008 is no exception. It's actually a bit of a scorcher out there and to celebrate, here's a picture I took about half an hour ago of the back garden, as seen from inside the living room. It's not just an excuse to feel smug about those French doors we had put in.

It may be the last time for a while that we can have the doors open like that. Brace yourself, kids. It's all downhill from here!

Laugh??? I Nearly Paid My Licence Fee

Jeez-oh!

What's that fucking stink? Surely not Noel Edmonds talking out his arse again? Talk about Brown Sauce!

Next!!!