Switching off

Nothing personal.

See you in a couple of weeks.

Inadvertent mistake

Haaaaaaaaaaaah-hahahahahaha!

Is it wrong of me to laugh? I defy you not to.

Are you awake?

Friday 29 March 2002 was a glorious, sunny and (oddly) summer-like day.

I remember it well for a number of reasons. It was Good Friday, I was fitting a bathroom in our old flat, our second daughter was three months away from entering the world and the mighty Big Breakfast on Channel Four finally came to an end in one final three-hour marathon.

The common perception was (and probably still is) that the show was on its last legs. Channel Four had seemingly had a problem with it for a number of years and the failed Paul Tonkinson relaunch in January 2001 was probably the last straw (for whatever reason, when Johnny Vaughan decided to leave the show, Richard Bacon was criminally overlooked when it came to choosing a new anchor -he had been on the show since the late 1990s as the presenter of the OB Down Your Doorstep section and had, on occasion, sat-in on the main presenting job). Tonkinson left abruptly and Bacon won the chair. Except it was probably too late - it's a certainty that C4 had already made their mind up.

RI:SE was named as the successor to The Big Breakfast and appeared after a gap of four weeks. A white elephant in every respect, RI:SE bombed practically from the get-go with most of its main presenters (Mark Durden-Smith, Colin Murray, Liz Bonin, Kirsty Gallacher, Henry Bonsu and Chris Rogers) leaving over the course of the show's first twelve months. Only Edith Bowman remained when RI:SE went through a desperate re-vamp one year in. Nobody's favourite, Iain Lee, was drafted in and Bowman left a few months later. In turn, she was replaced by ex-Big Brother winner, Kate Lawler - the obvious choice.

So how/why did RI:SE fail to grab viewers' attention? Simply put, it was simultaneously way-too-pleased with itself and unutterably bland. Within seconds of going on air, Durden-Smith proclaimed there would be "No puppets, dancing girls, or whooping crew members". Slagging off your predecessor with such a lack of grace was a clattering faux-pas. However people felt about The Big Breakfast at its end, it was a big mistake to dismiss it in such a way. Let's not forget just how trailblazing it really was, particulary in those early years of its decade-long run. So, with such cock-faced, barrel-chested, no-neck, upturned-collar smuggery, it was all downhill from there. Slick graphics, big screens and metro-sexual presenters, RI:SE had it in spades. All that was missing were the viewers who stayed away in their droves. Channel Four put it (and us) out of its misery in December 2003.

The Big Breakfast never claimed to be highbrow, discerning, sexy or any of the other things RI:SE aspired to be. Sure, it wasn't always 100% entertaining; sometimes it could feel a bit forced, but more often than not, it provided a load of belly laughs before the reality of the daily grind kicked in. And I miss it. Every single morning.

A film noir love story

For the PC gamers amongst you, the good news is that Rockstar Games have just announced they have Max Payne 3 in production.

It's been six years since the last brilliant instalment, so it will be interesting to see how the new game will look and feel.

The bad news is that it's Rockstar Vancouver who are looking after it. Hope they don't fuck it up like they did with the GTA IV port released for the PC in December last year.

Life in a day

To London, departing Edinburgh Airport at 0645. It's been a very productive day with much work done.

Arrived early and killed some time by sitting in Victoria Tower Gardens, staring at the Thames in the lovely spring sunshine and then spotted BBC political correspondent, Gary O'Donoghue getting out of a car outside Four Millbank.

Later on in the afternoon, I witnessed a big streetfight between a Scotsman and a Scouser - not at all reverting to type - to which the police turned up.

What on earth have Channel Four got outside their Horseferry Road HQ this time? Is it a load of umbrellas? I couldn't quite make it out.

Home by 2015.

Who remembers seeing Birdland at the Network?

Lots of memories at this great site for Edinburgh gig goers of a "certain" age. Thanks to ma big pal Bruce for the link.

Infandous street corner Cromwell...

Just received my daily Snowmail from Channel Four News.

George Galloway has been refused entry into Canada after The Jewish Group had raised concerns about his planned visit and cited examples of some of his previous public speeches as evidence enough to brand him a threat to Canada's security and prevent entry.

Whatever you think of him, Galloway's onscreen confontations are always entertaining and he's just about to debate the situation live on Channel Four News. Watch it now! Quick!!!

Whatever happened to the teenage dream?

Got one of those clothing collection leaflets through the door the other day.

I understand such "services" are widely believed to be some sort of scam and putting aside the obvious typos and questionable grammar within the document itself, I am particularly intrigued by the offer to collect, amongst other things, unwanted underwear.

The small print at the bottom clearly states they are not a charity organisation, so I wonder to which market they sell on these discarded trolleys. Gusset enthusiasts? The mind boggles.

I must say, though, I am quite taken with the handy, graphical representations of what clothes might look like (in case you weren't sure) - especially the cardboard-stiff jammies. Reminds me of my teenage years!

[Post script: Have a look at this post by The Cat for more on this scam.]

Knocking at the front door and back door at the same time?

BBC's Gaelic programme Cunntas is now in its ninth series.

Err.... [citation needed].

Have you seen the latest Pocketeers?

Many a childhood Saturday afternoon spent gazing longingly at the ranges of Palitoy Pocketeers in places like Woolies in the High Street or the now-demolished Co-op department store in the now-demolished Randolph Street* in Dunfermline.

I might have had three, but I only remember the two pictured. Let's face it, Fruit Machine was the one to have.

"Borrowed" the pics from this site. Well worth a look.

[* Randolph Street no longer exists because every building in it was part of the Co-op complex. The entire street and its buildings - a collection of fine Victorian architecture with a smattering of 1960's eyesore - lay empty for so long that, in the end, it deteriorated beyond all economical repair. In short, a complete fucking disgrace.]

Now you see it!

STV are about to launch a new on-screen identity and station logo from next Monday.

Big deal. I must admit I'm quite ambivalent about it really, but the thing I always find fascinating about any form of rebranding is the sort of language employed by the decision-makers when attempting to explain what it's all in aid of.

David Brook, STV's (interim) director of programmes and marketing is quoted as saying, "We wanted to introduce a new look for the station that would not only reflect Scotland's strong heritage, but also its vibrant, contemporary culture... our new look ties in perfectly with our strategy to opt out of the network schedule more often, and bring viewers more Scottish-produced programmes as well as series of wider appeal." [Snore!] Sorry, but I drifted off there for a minute.

So, who wants to translate that for those of us who prefer straightforward language that actually means something? Don't be shy now!

There is no phone-in here. There is no text-a-number. No panel of judges.

Take a look at them.

This year's would-be apprentices line up for the obligatory po-faced, check-how-important-(ie stern/pissed-off /don't-suffer-fools-gladly)-I-look group photo. And doesn't the pre-series anticipation just feel exquisite? You just know that over the next couple of months, we will laugh so hard and long at this lot that we will need Tena Lady on repeat prescription just to keep our pants dry.

Who will fall at the very first hurdle?* Who's going to be an utter cock? Who will prove to be the serial liar and backstabber? Who's overblown balloon of self-belief will burst in spectacular fashion? Who will predict that they'll totally "smash-it" in the pitch, but actually fuck it up completely? Who will be the quiet one who'll end up being seriously in the running? And who will win (and then never be heard of again)?

Who knows? But I know I'll be watching. I love it - I never tire of it and I cannot wait to watch! The Apprentice is back on Wednesday 25 March, folks!

[*Post script: According to BBC News, one of the candidates has already "bottled it" and left before the filming even began!]

Hallo Dave!

Oooohhhhh...

You're my wife now!

Have you seen a sheep's cumface? It's not nice.

I'm enjoying Twitter more than I thought I would.

Yes, it's ultimately pointless really, but it's also a good way to while away a bus journey (posting the car registration numbers of those I see texting whilst driving is a particularly petty, yet pleasurable, diversion!).

Naturally (!?), like millions of others, I am "following" Stephen Fry, Philip Schofield and Jonathan Ross whose frequent tweets are enjoyable. I am also "following" Alan Carr, who I thought would post regular, foul-mouthed witticisms, but sadly, it hasn't quite turned out that way.

I don't want to appear too bothered by it (because I'm not), but don't you think it's a bit rude of someone with no fewer than 73, 833 "followers" to not reciprocate... with anyone? Just seems a bit "off" to me.

"Follow" me here.

Look what I have on my laptop...

I was going to moan about how much the new bunch of adverts for Confused.com are really pissing me off.

The weird-yet-brain-fryingly-annoying cardboard cut-out/live "action" ones have been replaced by buffoons mugging/bleating down their webcams about how "friendly" and "so, so easy to use" the new Confused.com website is (fuck, just how bad could the previous version have been?). One of the ads even has someone claiming that the new website "rocks". Really... what does that actually mean??? Simply, though, it's just a load of people being really amazed by rather straightforward, run-of-the-mill stuff.

Anyway, as I say, I was going to moan about the new ads. I was going to gripe about the knowingly (ahem) "kooky" bloke who appears in each of them and even goes as far as to draw a smiley face on one of his hands with a marker pen to show us all how utterly thrilled he is by the new website. But then I found out that he's actually a serial webcam starer called AmazingPhil and he has a gazillion videos posted on YouTube all with him doing loads of allegedly "zany" pieces to camera and so, in the end, I thought, "Why fucking bother?"

AmazingPhil's YouTube page says...

HELLO WINTER!

I like lions.

I like interesting people

I am enthusiastic about car insurance.

(sorry ^-^)

It's all so wilfully random and unutterably unfunny, isn't it? Here are some typical examples of comments posted under AmazingPhil's videos...

OMG! Kyo! and btw, I like your straightener. (:

lol i have the same socks...and usb...and hair straightener!

lol. at ur pants fallin down

And my personal favourite...

you are a bellend

Couldn't agree more. Having said that, he's got 365 people following his blog, so he must be doing something right.

Knickers, knackers, knockers

Seriously. Who, in the name of fuck, keeps arriving here after Googling for either "Coleen Nolan topless" or "Lorne Spicer topless"?

I've been absolutely inundated with lurkers searching for a glimpse of TV-wifie bazooka and I blame this post and all subsequent comments.

Sorry folks, but there's none of that sort of thing here, you know. Actually, if you are one of those aforementioned lurkers, why not say "Hola!" in the comments section below? I'd be interested to know if you hang around long enough to read a few posts before moving onwards in your quest for D-list knocker.

Come on! Step out of those shadows.

Twisted karaoke at the Aniseed Lounge

Hey kids! Who here remembers 2008? Heh heh - I know I do.

It may seem like ever such a long time ago, but it was twelve months ago this very week that Elbow unleashed their mighty Grounds For Divorce single onto the unsuspecting public. And what a year it has been for them. GFD's parent album, The Seldom Seen Kid, is fucking brilliant.

The album may have taken a while to "take off", but it richly deserves all the awards, recognition and success it has finally won - much like the band themselves.

And so, apropos of absolutely fuck all, here's the album's lead track for your aural and visual pleasurement. This still makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. March 2008, eh? Takes me back.

If someone's into blowing up, we're into growing up...

Oh whoop-de-fucking-doo!

U2 have apparently played a "surprise" rooftop concert atop (where else?) BBC's Broadcasting House. I'm not quite sure how that has come as a surprise; the BBC have been publicly fellating U2 for weeks now all in the name of their new commercial venture, No Line On The Horizon. I couldn't have thought of anything more predictable actually - yet another Beatles/Rattle and Hum retread.

Rock and roll stops the traffic? Big fucking deal. So do lollipop men and women, but I don't see the BBC falling over themselves give them so much of their schedule.

The sun refused to shine

I'm not one to bang on and on about our upcoming holiday to sunny Gran Canaria, but as it's exactly four weeks away, it's now starting to feel quite "within reach".

Not much to prepare this time around, particularly because my "key" (such an overused word in business circles, don't you think?) reads are well and truly sorted out. This morning, some manna fell from heaven in the form of A NEW STUART MACONIE BOOK!!! Maconie's Pies and Prejudice was the holiday book for me in 2007 and now Adventures On The High Teas - In Search Of Middle England looks set to be every bit as good.

Mind you, Luke Haines' Bad Vibes has been highly acclaimed and, in order to avoid temptation by reading it too early, I've had to stash it away in the cupboard for about the last two months. I'll have to do the same with the Maconie one.

March - please, please hurry up and be over.

The light at the end of the tunnel (was a train coming the other way)

What an absolutely superb resource Spotify is!

After all the recent fuss, I thought I'd give it a whirl and downloaded it, first of all, onto my laptop. It only takes a couple of minutes to set up and before you know it, you can stream music and create your own playlists. The free service includes adverts between some of the tracks, but these are fairly few and far between (although I think I might scream if I hear that stupid keyboard riff from the advert for MGMT's Oracular Spectacular just one more time!).

I must admit, I was a bit sceptical beforehand; I imagined that their library wouldn't be all that big and that the playback would be held up by frequent buffering, but I'm delighted to say that my experience has been to the contrary. I have since installed it on my main desktop PC as well as the old one I spent the weekend "souping" up for the kids (I fitted a wireless network card, increased the RAM, downloaded all available Windows Updates and rounded it off with Virgin.net's free PC Guard software with parental controls - it's as good as new!). They are naturally delighted.

Today, I've been mostly listening to Richard Hawley. All his albums and EPs are there - not everyone's cup of tea, but I am more than a little bit partial.