Sex on fire

I've always been intrigued by the word "romp".

Favoured by absolutely no-one but the red tops, to me, the word "romp" just seems to conjure up an image of people engaging in consenting yet unashamedly filthy fucking. Grrrr. Dunno what a romp actually is, but I really like the sound of it.

Apparently, a couple have been openly romping on the grass outside Windsor Castle. I won't provide any links, because the story's been well documented on "the web", but I have to LOL [TM] at The Sun's online coverage which helpfully contains a montage showing what The fucking Queen might look like peering through binoculars at them along with an arrow detailing, "WHERE THEY DID IT". Like I said... helpful.

The thing that tickles me most about the story is the line that goes, "The pair were soon writhing, moaning and groaning — unconcerned by the 100-odd people watching." Writhing, moaning and groaning, eh? Is that what you're meant to do in a romp?

So, purely for the purposes of research, do let us know whether you've ever engaged in a romp. If so, let me know (not too explicitly) what was it like and what you got up to. I'm particularly interested in finding out what the actual differences are between romping and simply making love/having sex. Okay, in your own time...

Going for the money shot

Back in the days when the latest recession was only known as the credit crunch [TM], Barclays announced that they were going to drop their "hilarious" Barclaycard adverts featuring Stephen Mangan and the hateful Julian Rhind-Tutt.

The rationale was that, in the current economic climate [TM], it was inappropriate to promote credit and general finance with such zany flippancy (whether the campaign was actually funny or not is a completely separate debate). Frankly, I was glad to see the back of the fuckers.

To misquote a line from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly... one (or two in the case of Barclaycard) bastard goes out and another one comes in. Enter, Gervais-cohort, Stephen Merchant who they've now got providing the off-beat voiceover for their latest set of ads promoting their financial "products". Oh, please... my aching sides. When will this hilarity ever end?

Natwest, Barclays, Midlands, Lloyds... Use a bank? I'd rather die.

I've got a right throbber in my mouth

Well, that's what I get for mocking someone's house...

Over the weekend, a never-sore-before tooth started giving me serious jip. Completely out of the blue, it started to throb (yeah - and what about the tooth?). No gradual increase in pain over a period of time - oh no siree - just nothing one minute, and then severe, keep-me-awake-all-night, pain.

Anyway, I'm not registered with a dentist, so I didn't quite know what to do. Thanks goodness, then, for the combined efforts of Google and the NHS; I found myself with an emergency appointment at a local dental clinic this morning. Essentially, the offending pre-molar is dead (I'd never noticed before, but it had turned a kind of grey colour) and I either had the choice of having it out (£11) or getting a root filling (£68), so I opted for the latter.

Having drilled down inside the tooth, the dentist said she'd never seen the like. I'm not sure whether she was trying to put the shits up me, but she claimed the inside had apparently gone a kind of pinky-orangey colour. What the fuck?! So, it's not over yet. She filled it with some sort of temporary stuff and I've to go back in about 10 days. But now the anaesthetic has worn off, it's started to hurt real bad again. I've had to stuff my face with cotton wool doused in clove oil, but how on earth am I going to get through the next week and a half? I've got about forty-odd presentations to give in the space of about five days. It's not going to be easy.

I'm usually okay with pain (I just kind of accept it and get on with things), but I really struggle with toothache. Maybe I should have got it pulled. Please... someone... make it stop!

Through the shithole

So, the country is in the midst of its worst recession in decades and you've decided to sell your house. Okay, that's a brave move in the current economic climate [TM], but perhaps you don't have a choice.

Mortgage approvals are down and the property market is in a slump, so you'll naturally want to do all you can to generate as much interest in your home as possible; you want to make your home stand out in order to get the best possible price for it. Of course you do.

You might, say, take care of some of those noticeable DIY jobs which are still outstanding. Perhaps a lick of paint here and there? Clean the windows, maybe? Well, at the very least, you'll want to make sure you've tidied the place before the estate agent comes round to take the photos for the schedule, right? Wrong...

For a fixed price of £150,000, you too can have this 3/4 bedroom, ex-council house in Dunfermline*. Let's start with...

Living room
Okay... not too bad. Not overly keen on the decor, but that's easily changed. Has potential.
















Bedroom 1
Again, looks okay. Might look more appealing if the bed was made, but never mind. Nice use of empty Coke can accessories on that chest of drawers. The plastic carrier bag hanging off the wardrobe door sets the whole thing off well.















Bedroom 2
Nice use of clutter on the chair and down the side of the bedside cabinet...

















Kitchen
Ooh. A bit messy looking. I'd have done those dishes.

















Dining room
What the fuck?! This place is a total fucking shit-tip. Get me out of here now!


















Hurry. Mind, it's on the market at a fixed price, so it'll go quick.

*The properties in this particular street are quite spacious; two of my mates stayed around here during our teenage years.

Hits out for the lads...

Hey! Attention, weird lurkers.

It doesn't matter how often you search for Coleen Nolan topless or Lorne Spicer's tits, you ain't gonna not find any of that stuff here!

But, all the same, do keep those hits coming. At least it's better than cuckolds searching for fuck my wife.

Danger, danger! High voltage!

I waded through my post-holiday inbox today. Inevitably, there were plenty of mails, but very little of substance.

I've always been quite cagey (!) about giving out my personal email address and have therefore been (touch wood) quite fortunate in that I've never really been troubled much by spam/scam mails. That's probably why I usually end up posting about them here because they are so rare.

As ever, it galls me somewhat that there are some unfortunate/greedily-gullible (delete where applicable) folk who fall for scam mails, but with the same token, the amateur nature of such correspondence makes me guffaw with incredulous do-they-think-I-was born-yesterday? laughter.

I have received an email, dated 8 April, from an FK Andrews whose email address is the really catchy enquiries_3@azet.sk. Entitled, You Need This Money, it reads thus:

Attn: To be Representative,

Trust is something that is extremely difficult to establish especially where there are too many ugly scenarios to draw inferences. However, I would crave your indulgence to fully take serious this message I have a very good proposal for your consideration.

Please confirm this email is correct and my message will be read before I send you the details.

Accept my regards
Bernard Mcharry.

There's loads to pick fault with, but for now, I'm just going to pour myself a glass of wine, sit back and laugh my tits off. And not reply. While I am doing that, please take a look at this brilliant post on Bloggertropolis on a similar subject.